Things you run away from and things you want the most

Is'nt it ironic that there are somethings you dread the most but they keep on coming back to you like your past;exes,crushes,bad experiences,depression all of that and there are things that you spend your entire life running after and you never get them.Even if you do they dont come easily.Take my relationships for example.

It's human nature.Recently I came across this amazing quote:"Lord grant me the strength to change the things I can, the courage to accept the things i cant and the wisdom to know the difference."

A chick flick

Disclaimer:Super girly post.

So I just finished watching A lot like Love and When in Rome. Im a chick flick girl,apart from horror,thriller and drama(whats left, lol) I cant wait to watch Killers. EEEEEE. I love Ashton Kutcher but I loved Josh Duhamel, he is my kinda guy. The type I go head over heels.

Do check out this song from A lot like love, its by Aqualung and im madly in love with it and the photographs that come in the end

Ok the point of this post is my fantasy about love and the right guy. You know I actually met someone as hot as Josh Duhamel four years back. The story is interesting. So this one time in winter my mother tells me that there is a family coming from London for their son's wedding and they will be our paying guests. Ok fine, blah. Some people. I decide to move out and enjoy my holidays with my uncle's family who lives five minutes away from our house. Then one day I just come after school because it has been a while that I had been away. The house smells like a men's cologne, really hot. I enter and I see my dad talking to this REALLY HOT GUY.What are they talking about? Whoa he likes my painting and he asks me whats my inspiration for that piece. I talk and talk. Then I realise my father expects us not to get too much involved with them. But he is irresistible. And we click. We cant stop talking, and we become closer and closer.We exchange numbers and end up messaging even though we are in the same house. Its just one of those fairy tales. Oh I forgot to mention how our numbers got exchanged. He hid my phone between the slit of the sofa seat and Im looking for it all over the place and he offers to call me.

Im not a big fan of exchanging numbers because this one time when I was very young, I was travelling with my brother and we met this really awesome(handsome) guy on the plane who we became friends with and he gave us his number. My brother never bothered saving the number but I did and my aunt saw it. I told her I wanted to call him and she said dont, you ll find it difficult to forget him. I tore that piece of paper. It makes sense to this day. It always starts from exchanging numbers.

Our friendship grew over that short period he was here and then we exchanged email addresses and right before he was about to leave, I told him I was madly in love with him. NOW STOP RIGHT HERE. This is no chick flick. He said no. Easily crushed my feelings. He left. I had his email for a while and I had memorised it so I couldnt even tear a chit this time. So I emailed him. I believed maybe a miracle could happen. It wasnt meant to be. I even broke up with my boyfriend. We only went out for a month. I think he was a rebound but I chickened out. I still regret that break up even though its been three years now. So my boyfriend and the London guy are history even though he still emails. He is coming over this July for a cousins wedding hoping he'd meet me too. Screw you.

So after this four year long episode I gave up on this=>meet random hot guy;click;exchange numbers;get your heart broken. Until recently. Sigh yes. There is another story with a cute beginning. There was a concert in college and I happened to be one of the organisers. Boss wants me to meet our media partner for a screening of their documentaries before the concert. I take a rickshaw from school with Stig(dont forget stig, important character in the story).
Its a hot day and Im wearing a bright yellow shirt which has a cute mouse ballet dancer cartoon on it but not an appropriate shirt for a meeting. Anyways, Im pissed and I walk in the office with Stig who would'nt shut up. Anyways we walk into the office and the receptionist upon asking who we were asks us to wait. Im just looking all around and cussing "I look like shit" "I wonder who are we about to meet" "how will we watch all the documentaries and select two?ARGH"

And there he walks in. This REALLY HOT GUY! "But wait, all the good ones are always taken, he's probably married or something-FOCUS! DONT YOU DARE THINK HE IS CUTE OR ANYTHING!" But yeah Im under his charm and then he suddenly pisses me off.
"Actually we cant screen all the documentaries for you its our channel's policy however I can give you a list of all our documentaries and you can choose two from them"

"Uh, so you are saying we came all this way just to select two documentaries from your list!"

And then I start talking "I know you have a policy but it would be real sad if we just select from a list and go, I thought we had a deal. You know coming this far hasnt been easy. We left our work and took out time. He(pointing at Stig) hasnt slept all night but we are working on this BLAH BLAH BLAH......."

And he calms me down "Ok how about you look at the list atleast and Ill give you can see the ones you choose"

I see the list and tick which look interesting.He goes away to show them to his boss and Im still cussing because now his charm is just down the drain oh but he offers us water/tea and we opt for water. "Stig can you smell fish in here?"

"Yeah but its because we are near the port hello"

He comes back and he says that we cant view the documentaries now however he will drop off the dvds and we can see them later and we agree. I walk out of the office hoping not see him ever again.He dropped the dvds and guess what he told my boss"Its ok, if you need anything else dont tell your people to come in rickshaws, ill drop em off" And then boss catches me "Btw did you mention going in a rickshaw to the marketing manager because that was very unprofessional" Bleh he told you!Damn it.What a loser.

It's the day of the concert. I have my photography work's critique in the morning.Iam under slept and over worked but I know I have to work after the critique is over.So I come downstairs and HE'S THERE! OMG NOOOOOOOO. Ok he sees me. No way to escape. So hi, hello and then he finally says "oh by the way, I have everybody's number except for yours, can I have it for coordinating with you just in case if I have to." NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!I tell myself its ok just give your number BUT DO NOT TAKE HIS NUMBER! DO NOT! And after I give him my number we have a chit chat and we he wants to see my photography exhibit WITH ME! EH!ok. I go up with him, show him around and then my teams getting pissed off because they need me, it turns out to be the perfect escape plan.OK THANK GOD ILL NEVER MEET HIM UNTIL I find out he is coming tonight.

Its right before the concert, Im super pissed because my team is full of shit and I didnt even go home to change but have a great time with the band. We show them around. And there he comes. From right behind me. Oh Hi.

We spend the whole time together. After discussing how boring the crowd is, he actually takes me with him and we pick up the crowd and bring them to the stage.Suddenly a boring concert turns into an exciting concert.Everyone's loving it.WOW.Magic.

Later that night he messages me saying thank you and youre welcome and then it starts.What I dreaded. We cant stop messaging. Suddenly he wants to meet. We find out more about each other. Turns out I know him way before I met him because this world is a small place. Then we start confessing that we are addicted to messaging eachother and we need to stop. But why are we so addicted? Turns out he is confused but want to know the climax? He recently had a break up. Oh great Im a rebound girl. After lots of talks, he clears his mind and he says he doesnt want anything but he'd love to be my friend. I tell him that I wont be able to. We stop talking. Period.

It bothers me and I tell him we can be friends and he's still my friend. We joke,he calls sometimes. He knows that I dont know what I want from my life. And recently I confessed to him that I had a crush on him. He confesses too. He had a crush on me the minute he saw me. There was an attraction.Eh WHAT I THOUGHT I LOOKED LIKE SHIT THAT DAY. Oh and he also tried to flirt with me but seriously I dont think he knows how to.

But the point still being that this is the end and we will just be friends.Guys freak out, they are scared of commitment and this one will never commit. So here's the end to my chick flick. Sometimes its magical when you meet a stranger but the trick is, NEVER EXCHANGE NUMBERS OR YOU WONT BE ABLE TO FORGET THEM.

Raat aegi (The night will come)

Disclaimer: This post will jump from topic to topic and might not make sense.

I think Junaid Jamshed was one of the finest musicians of our country, I can listen to him on repeat, honestly. Ironically my favourite genre of music is rock but I dont know who Iam anymore. I dont know what I want, who I want. Im an escapist. There is soo much shit happening around the world and seems like there will never be peace because people want money and just money.

I dream but there is no passion in me. Neither do I love with passion nor do I hate with passion. They all are plans and they might die with me. Realisation of the former fact can only come when one sees contrast, sees people with passion do what they love with their heart and soul.

Recently my college had a talent night organised by the freshmen. I truly was mesmerised when I heard one of their guitar player. The boy is a true artist and truly talented. He guitar slapped and God knows what but that piece was mesmerising. It had contrast, scale change, rhythm and a smooth transition.

I want to act, sing, photograph, dance, travel the world, be a social activist, I want to design,write, create. But where is my passion?

Timely matters and other stories

Ok so now its more about the knowing the softwares apart from being good at the 'whole concept behind the piece'. You gotta know your photoshop and your illustrator. So my poor brother upgrades our BIG desktop (which is on a chair in my room and not a desk). I put all my important softwares like skype, movie players etc. Now my external hard disk has three CS. CS3 extended, CS 4 and CS 5. CS 4 was perfectly fine until I needed Bridge to convert the format of my photographs. Ok now what to do? How about I just instal the bridge from the CS3 master collection since there is only photoshop in the CS4 folder. Turns out CS 3 bridge would only work with CS3 photoshop. Ok so I uninstall the CS3 bridge and install CS3 bridge again with photoshop. Turns out photoshop has some activation issues. OK! I uninstall it and download CS4 bridge of the internet so that it partners with the existing CS4 photoshop I have. OBVIOUSLY MY WONDERFUL IDEA DID NOT WORK. Oh did I tell you, the CS5 I have doesnt work anyways. So now I have good pictures waiting to get edited. EEEEEEEEEEE!

Today was relatively a lighter day because no submission due tomorrow. So I thought I'll watch a movie. My friend burnt me a DVD with two movies in it because she desperately wanted me to see them. I tried watching the first one called Into the wild. It was sooooooo slow that I switched to another movie. I really wanted to watch it but hadnt gotten the time. So I put in Everybodys fine and turns out it gets stuck after every two minute. I try really hard that I can somehow watch it but nothing works. Sigh. Then our lovely load shedding problem, so I go to give my film for scanning after we picked up one from tuitions and dropped the other at the same location for his tuitions.

6th May 2010. The above post is and will remain incomplete because when i was at it,the electricity went and now I dont feel like completing it.

Every one I know goes away in the end Part 1

Since nursery to grade six I really never had a true friend I would share lunch with, because i was more of a bully. I would make faces and scare the nerds, pick up fights and argue (but not like I was always like that, I used to get bullied by other kids too you know). I had one best friend Mona who really used me and I really was a loner, and also it was because of her y circle of friends was limited.Then something happened and my life changed.Year 2000 it was.

Meredith's best friend Alicia was leaving for Canada. Alicia was all Meredith(who was a nerd back then) had. Meredith was lonely.
She found me, I found her.

*puts one hand forward* "Will you be my best friend?"
"Yeah sure" replied Meredith.

She was hesitant at first. Should I trust her? Can i trust her?
She was a girl out of those teenage books. Knew about scavenger hunt,cool teenage girl groups,back street boys,boyzone. She had all those expensive, branded Barbie and Polly toys one wished their parents got them. How was I to fit in? I had my Barbies but not the randed ones because there was another sibling who would want the remote control cars too, and according to my mother "I got you two the most toys(true) but I realised they were a waste of money because you never took care of them (I agree to some extent but a healthy childhood is a healthy childhood)

Our friendship was in its golden period and we never looked back again. BFFs we were(Im sure we've all felt that way). Long phone calls,being each others quarterback, soul sisters.We both had big egos. At first I'd take her shit, but then I became rebellious. Whatever happened we got back to each other. I always thought why my parents dint have such friends, friends who came before family and friends they could die for.

Little I knew about the grown up world.

Im growing up and im not ready.

Once youre in college things begin to change.Well, every phase of life means growth but it keeps on getting scarier as it goes on.Things that you least expect will happen, you will fall in love, will learn to be a professional,learn what you knew not but in the process will party, sing songs and love your friends.

I, however do not know what I want from my life. The unpredictabilities and uncertainities that the future holds for us leaves us with nothing but to rely on it. Thats the only choice we have. People say I have a very pessimist way of looking at things but these are the ultimate realities like say life goes on and then eventually we die. What happens in between this is like white noise. It is important, makes us who we are but then we forget about it as soon as it becomes the past. Thats why we have phases, patches- good patch, bad patch.

I have a new passion. Photography. Iam happy i stuck to graphic design as my major. Sometimes you have to rely on time as your most important tool. No decision comes with a guarantee but you need to be honest at all times.

Thats the beauty of it.

2010.WHOAAA

I must say in my defense, to many of attributes, paranoia is one.
Paranoid about everything. My friends say I worry too much.

My second semseter result got dispatched yesterday, and will get delivered tomorrow. I cant believe it my university still runs on this, however this doesnot imply its a sucky university. 4th january my university opens. Start of Sophomore.

Newly developed habits,short temper.
Things I had thought I wouldnt do or would never be, iam becoming and doing those things. But honestly its all apart of growing up and it seriously sucks big time. But they say "you become what you despise"
Staying in touch with old friends, dealing with unloyal friends, working professionally with good friends, dealing with plastics,the society, the culture,hormones,love,failure,pressures,security,dilemmas,blasts,paranoia.....phew.