Things you run away from and things you want the most

Is'nt it ironic that there are somethings you dread the most but they keep on coming back to you like your past;exes,crushes,bad experiences,depression all of that and there are things that you spend your entire life running after and you never get them.Even if you do they dont come easily.Take my relationships for example.

It's human nature.Recently I came across this amazing quote:"Lord grant me the strength to change the things I can, the courage to accept the things i cant and the wisdom to know the difference."

A chick flick

Disclaimer:Super girly post.

So I just finished watching A lot like Love and When in Rome. Im a chick flick girl,apart from horror,thriller and drama(whats left, lol) I cant wait to watch Killers. EEEEEE. I love Ashton Kutcher but I loved Josh Duhamel, he is my kinda guy. The type I go head over heels.

Do check out this song from A lot like love, its by Aqualung and im madly in love with it and the photographs that come in the end

Ok the point of this post is my fantasy about love and the right guy. You know I actually met someone as hot as Josh Duhamel four years back. The story is interesting. So this one time in winter my mother tells me that there is a family coming from London for their son's wedding and they will be our paying guests. Ok fine, blah. Some people. I decide to move out and enjoy my holidays with my uncle's family who lives five minutes away from our house. Then one day I just come after school because it has been a while that I had been away. The house smells like a men's cologne, really hot. I enter and I see my dad talking to this REALLY HOT GUY.What are they talking about? Whoa he likes my painting and he asks me whats my inspiration for that piece. I talk and talk. Then I realise my father expects us not to get too much involved with them. But he is irresistible. And we click. We cant stop talking, and we become closer and closer.We exchange numbers and end up messaging even though we are in the same house. Its just one of those fairy tales. Oh I forgot to mention how our numbers got exchanged. He hid my phone between the slit of the sofa seat and Im looking for it all over the place and he offers to call me.

Im not a big fan of exchanging numbers because this one time when I was very young, I was travelling with my brother and we met this really awesome(handsome) guy on the plane who we became friends with and he gave us his number. My brother never bothered saving the number but I did and my aunt saw it. I told her I wanted to call him and she said dont, you ll find it difficult to forget him. I tore that piece of paper. It makes sense to this day. It always starts from exchanging numbers.

Our friendship grew over that short period he was here and then we exchanged email addresses and right before he was about to leave, I told him I was madly in love with him. NOW STOP RIGHT HERE. This is no chick flick. He said no. Easily crushed my feelings. He left. I had his email for a while and I had memorised it so I couldnt even tear a chit this time. So I emailed him. I believed maybe a miracle could happen. It wasnt meant to be. I even broke up with my boyfriend. We only went out for a month. I think he was a rebound but I chickened out. I still regret that break up even though its been three years now. So my boyfriend and the London guy are history even though he still emails. He is coming over this July for a cousins wedding hoping he'd meet me too. Screw you.

So after this four year long episode I gave up on this=>meet random hot guy;click;exchange numbers;get your heart broken. Until recently. Sigh yes. There is another story with a cute beginning. There was a concert in college and I happened to be one of the organisers. Boss wants me to meet our media partner for a screening of their documentaries before the concert. I take a rickshaw from school with Stig(dont forget stig, important character in the story).
Its a hot day and Im wearing a bright yellow shirt which has a cute mouse ballet dancer cartoon on it but not an appropriate shirt for a meeting. Anyways, Im pissed and I walk in the office with Stig who would'nt shut up. Anyways we walk into the office and the receptionist upon asking who we were asks us to wait. Im just looking all around and cussing "I look like shit" "I wonder who are we about to meet" "how will we watch all the documentaries and select two?ARGH"

And there he walks in. This REALLY HOT GUY! "But wait, all the good ones are always taken, he's probably married or something-FOCUS! DONT YOU DARE THINK HE IS CUTE OR ANYTHING!" But yeah Im under his charm and then he suddenly pisses me off.
"Actually we cant screen all the documentaries for you its our channel's policy however I can give you a list of all our documentaries and you can choose two from them"

"Uh, so you are saying we came all this way just to select two documentaries from your list!"

And then I start talking "I know you have a policy but it would be real sad if we just select from a list and go, I thought we had a deal. You know coming this far hasnt been easy. We left our work and took out time. He(pointing at Stig) hasnt slept all night but we are working on this BLAH BLAH BLAH......."

And he calms me down "Ok how about you look at the list atleast and Ill give you can see the ones you choose"

I see the list and tick which look interesting.He goes away to show them to his boss and Im still cussing because now his charm is just down the drain oh but he offers us water/tea and we opt for water. "Stig can you smell fish in here?"

"Yeah but its because we are near the port hello"

He comes back and he says that we cant view the documentaries now however he will drop off the dvds and we can see them later and we agree. I walk out of the office hoping not see him ever again.He dropped the dvds and guess what he told my boss"Its ok, if you need anything else dont tell your people to come in rickshaws, ill drop em off" And then boss catches me "Btw did you mention going in a rickshaw to the marketing manager because that was very unprofessional" Bleh he told you!Damn it.What a loser.

It's the day of the concert. I have my photography work's critique in the morning.Iam under slept and over worked but I know I have to work after the critique is over.So I come downstairs and HE'S THERE! OMG NOOOOOOOO. Ok he sees me. No way to escape. So hi, hello and then he finally says "oh by the way, I have everybody's number except for yours, can I have it for coordinating with you just in case if I have to." NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!I tell myself its ok just give your number BUT DO NOT TAKE HIS NUMBER! DO NOT! And after I give him my number we have a chit chat and we he wants to see my photography exhibit WITH ME! EH!ok. I go up with him, show him around and then my teams getting pissed off because they need me, it turns out to be the perfect escape plan.OK THANK GOD ILL NEVER MEET HIM UNTIL I find out he is coming tonight.

Its right before the concert, Im super pissed because my team is full of shit and I didnt even go home to change but have a great time with the band. We show them around. And there he comes. From right behind me. Oh Hi.

We spend the whole time together. After discussing how boring the crowd is, he actually takes me with him and we pick up the crowd and bring them to the stage.Suddenly a boring concert turns into an exciting concert.Everyone's loving it.WOW.Magic.

Later that night he messages me saying thank you and youre welcome and then it starts.What I dreaded. We cant stop messaging. Suddenly he wants to meet. We find out more about each other. Turns out I know him way before I met him because this world is a small place. Then we start confessing that we are addicted to messaging eachother and we need to stop. But why are we so addicted? Turns out he is confused but want to know the climax? He recently had a break up. Oh great Im a rebound girl. After lots of talks, he clears his mind and he says he doesnt want anything but he'd love to be my friend. I tell him that I wont be able to. We stop talking. Period.

It bothers me and I tell him we can be friends and he's still my friend. We joke,he calls sometimes. He knows that I dont know what I want from my life. And recently I confessed to him that I had a crush on him. He confesses too. He had a crush on me the minute he saw me. There was an attraction.Eh WHAT I THOUGHT I LOOKED LIKE SHIT THAT DAY. Oh and he also tried to flirt with me but seriously I dont think he knows how to.

But the point still being that this is the end and we will just be friends.Guys freak out, they are scared of commitment and this one will never commit. So here's the end to my chick flick. Sometimes its magical when you meet a stranger but the trick is, NEVER EXCHANGE NUMBERS OR YOU WONT BE ABLE TO FORGET THEM.

Raat aegi (The night will come)

Disclaimer: This post will jump from topic to topic and might not make sense.

I think Junaid Jamshed was one of the finest musicians of our country, I can listen to him on repeat, honestly. Ironically my favourite genre of music is rock but I dont know who Iam anymore. I dont know what I want, who I want. Im an escapist. There is soo much shit happening around the world and seems like there will never be peace because people want money and just money.

I dream but there is no passion in me. Neither do I love with passion nor do I hate with passion. They all are plans and they might die with me. Realisation of the former fact can only come when one sees contrast, sees people with passion do what they love with their heart and soul.

Recently my college had a talent night organised by the freshmen. I truly was mesmerised when I heard one of their guitar player. The boy is a true artist and truly talented. He guitar slapped and God knows what but that piece was mesmerising. It had contrast, scale change, rhythm and a smooth transition.

I want to act, sing, photograph, dance, travel the world, be a social activist, I want to design,write, create. But where is my passion?

Timely matters and other stories

Ok so now its more about the knowing the softwares apart from being good at the 'whole concept behind the piece'. You gotta know your photoshop and your illustrator. So my poor brother upgrades our BIG desktop (which is on a chair in my room and not a desk). I put all my important softwares like skype, movie players etc. Now my external hard disk has three CS. CS3 extended, CS 4 and CS 5. CS 4 was perfectly fine until I needed Bridge to convert the format of my photographs. Ok now what to do? How about I just instal the bridge from the CS3 master collection since there is only photoshop in the CS4 folder. Turns out CS 3 bridge would only work with CS3 photoshop. Ok so I uninstall the CS3 bridge and install CS3 bridge again with photoshop. Turns out photoshop has some activation issues. OK! I uninstall it and download CS4 bridge of the internet so that it partners with the existing CS4 photoshop I have. OBVIOUSLY MY WONDERFUL IDEA DID NOT WORK. Oh did I tell you, the CS5 I have doesnt work anyways. So now I have good pictures waiting to get edited. EEEEEEEEEEE!

Today was relatively a lighter day because no submission due tomorrow. So I thought I'll watch a movie. My friend burnt me a DVD with two movies in it because she desperately wanted me to see them. I tried watching the first one called Into the wild. It was sooooooo slow that I switched to another movie. I really wanted to watch it but hadnt gotten the time. So I put in Everybodys fine and turns out it gets stuck after every two minute. I try really hard that I can somehow watch it but nothing works. Sigh. Then our lovely load shedding problem, so I go to give my film for scanning after we picked up one from tuitions and dropped the other at the same location for his tuitions.

6th May 2010. The above post is and will remain incomplete because when i was at it,the electricity went and now I dont feel like completing it.

Every one I know goes away in the end Part 1

Since nursery to grade six I really never had a true friend I would share lunch with, because i was more of a bully. I would make faces and scare the nerds, pick up fights and argue (but not like I was always like that, I used to get bullied by other kids too you know). I had one best friend Mona who really used me and I really was a loner, and also it was because of her y circle of friends was limited.Then something happened and my life changed.Year 2000 it was.

Meredith's best friend Alicia was leaving for Canada. Alicia was all Meredith(who was a nerd back then) had. Meredith was lonely.
She found me, I found her.

*puts one hand forward* "Will you be my best friend?"
"Yeah sure" replied Meredith.

She was hesitant at first. Should I trust her? Can i trust her?
She was a girl out of those teenage books. Knew about scavenger hunt,cool teenage girl groups,back street boys,boyzone. She had all those expensive, branded Barbie and Polly toys one wished their parents got them. How was I to fit in? I had my Barbies but not the randed ones because there was another sibling who would want the remote control cars too, and according to my mother "I got you two the most toys(true) but I realised they were a waste of money because you never took care of them (I agree to some extent but a healthy childhood is a healthy childhood)

Our friendship was in its golden period and we never looked back again. BFFs we were(Im sure we've all felt that way). Long phone calls,being each others quarterback, soul sisters.We both had big egos. At first I'd take her shit, but then I became rebellious. Whatever happened we got back to each other. I always thought why my parents dint have such friends, friends who came before family and friends they could die for.

Little I knew about the grown up world.

Im growing up and im not ready.

Once youre in college things begin to change.Well, every phase of life means growth but it keeps on getting scarier as it goes on.Things that you least expect will happen, you will fall in love, will learn to be a professional,learn what you knew not but in the process will party, sing songs and love your friends.

I, however do not know what I want from my life. The unpredictabilities and uncertainities that the future holds for us leaves us with nothing but to rely on it. Thats the only choice we have. People say I have a very pessimist way of looking at things but these are the ultimate realities like say life goes on and then eventually we die. What happens in between this is like white noise. It is important, makes us who we are but then we forget about it as soon as it becomes the past. Thats why we have phases, patches- good patch, bad patch.

I have a new passion. Photography. Iam happy i stuck to graphic design as my major. Sometimes you have to rely on time as your most important tool. No decision comes with a guarantee but you need to be honest at all times.

Thats the beauty of it.

2010.WHOAAA

I must say in my defense, to many of attributes, paranoia is one.
Paranoid about everything. My friends say I worry too much.

My second semseter result got dispatched yesterday, and will get delivered tomorrow. I cant believe it my university still runs on this, however this doesnot imply its a sucky university. 4th january my university opens. Start of Sophomore.

Newly developed habits,short temper.
Things I had thought I wouldnt do or would never be, iam becoming and doing those things. But honestly its all apart of growing up and it seriously sucks big time. But they say "you become what you despise"
Staying in touch with old friends, dealing with unloyal friends, working professionally with good friends, dealing with plastics,the society, the culture,hormones,love,failure,pressures,security,dilemmas,blasts,paranoia.....phew.

What does a broken heart do?

I have a married friend, who at certain events makes me doubtful about our friendship. Who is a friend? Someone who knows you deeply, doesnt whine about you not staying in touch because the friend knows youre at an art school and the first year isnt easy. Well, recently she calls me up and suggests a full life plan for me which includes a life partner. "Hey you remember A from my wedding?" (oh yeah that wierd guy who wouldnt stop staring?!) He's looking for a girl (AGAIN? oh yeah he got divorced. no wonder this conversation sounds familiar. You've tried to set me up with him gazillions of times, and everytime you suggest that you disappear, not that Iam interested myself)
"You guys are perfect for eachother.Hes an amazing person and since 'youre my best friend' and hes my husbands bestfriend we could be soo together. Like meet up all the time.
UH-are you for real? We're not in grade five. BFFS forever and where is this delusion coming from? You are my friend who got married to a super rich industrialist even though you had a boyfriend but you chose to conform and obey to what youre less richer industrialist father wanted. Even though you have your fake days i dont know how you pretend to be forgetful about all those times when you've complained about the adversities of marriage and how you were better off without him.

Thats the dilemma of our culture. Or maybe to put it more neatly the lifestyle of the rich and the famous that have created this wierd culture. Have a painful extravagant wedding and a function for every move. The proposal got accepte- throw up a big party and wear the prettiest dress from an expensive designer and invite all your friends and show off how rich you are. Then obviously comes the engagement which is no less than a wedding. Oh how could you forget two separate mehndi, one from both parties and the slutty dances that follow. Then the Nikkah ceremony. Then comes the 'wedding' which is just a rukhsati and then its time for the guys family to show off at the Valima. Theres a Rs.3.5 million wedding, in a country where some people sleep empty stomach.

I believe the purpose of a marriage is to feel the whole process of becoming one when you say i do(qabool hai). It could be a simple Nikkah at a mosque and a dinner for close family and friends the other day as the Valima. How about spend money on settling up?

But theres another dilemma. Marriage seems to be over rated to me. Also because of my horrible love life experiences. always after the wrong guy. And trust me getting off all this isnt easy. A heart full of emotions and female hormones are difficult to handle.

So talking of my recent crush. He's a photographer. Senior in college. Not the hottest guy around but the biggest flirt. How charming is that? You get flirtatious(if thats a word) replies from someone youre head over heels. I dont know how he does it. Iam too naive. Agreed. But he does mean things he says like you are a really nice person. Its like his way of telling me im trouble stay away from me, unless you love breaking your heart. So one day he gives me full attention and the other he realises he has to ignore me. Like even delete his facebook status which has my comment and the only one. Now what does that even mean. Not pick up my call. Now that does make me sound desperate but not to forget he is my friend and trust me the flirting is unilateral.


I just hope and pray for my benefit and sanity.

This December

I was just going through old posts that I never published and found this "Meredith's gone back.It was alot of fun with her and i cried like a baby before the day she left. It started off with a tantrum which was a joke and then I hugged her and broke down.
Life is pretty blah right now.I feel dead. Literally. Crying doesnt happen easily.I think it would have been better if I could. A the Bee saved my life yesterday by talking to me for 3 hours, I think"

Time. It has passed.
Its the beginning of Sophomore for me.
Im making the same mistake again.
Soon I shall introduce a new character to the story.
Merediths back. A the Bee is history. Now its A the K

Where have I been?

An interesting question but sadly there is no exciting answer for that.

Well I have been away for a good three months because I realised that blogging was nothing more than complaining and criticising myself. Initially I had thought that my blog is just for me but im sure I have readers wo do think I rant most of the times.

This time, when I come back I want to be able to write about the evolution of my thoughts and yeah work on my sense of humour. Its too dry a blog to catch up on otherwise.

Catch you soon.
Theres lots to do.

I cant run anymore

Do you know the feeling when you are running after or away from something and your legs really hurt because you have to run even if you cant. You keep on running till you cant feel your legs and then you suddenly fall down because they gave up.

I feel like that. Cheers to a life full of blah-ness.

Everytime I fall, it hurts.

Every time I fall,trip or slip I'm one of those who laugh a little or maybe more because its funny but when I fall for someone it just hurts like a bitch because I end up falling for the wrong person. Literally its the same every time but a normal person has to end up falling for some one, I mean if I did not then that would be fishy. There are time when I think Alpash was one of the best guys I had ever met but some irrational decisions have to be lived with forever, and I must add, with lots and lots of regret. So for now, there's falling and getting hurt. Getting up and getting over. And falling again and getting up all by myself all over again. Sigh.

When photographs look like a beautiful dream

Photographs are a way to capture a moment but someone who can beautifully capture it and make your jaw drop down to the floor when its beauty mesmerizes you. Never in my life have I been so caught by somebody's work. Do have a look. Besides being an amazing photographer he is very down to earth and a friend.
http://flickriver.com/photos/22595649@N00/popular-interesting/

*Make sure you respect the artist's work by not copying it and using it elsewhere.

The word full of complications in a world soo complicated

"Life ends after marriage"
This has been echo-ing in my head since the minute this girl from class said it. She got married two years back and has now returned to complete her degree.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage ~ Lao Tzu

Marriage is a necessity but not a compulsion.To be loved and to love someone means a lot to every human being. It is the most beautiful thing after all but it is the most scariest thing ever. How with age pressure increases, and how after marriage life changes.
From sharing a bed to sharing a life, one sacrifices personal space. My friend once said "You have no other option but to stay in the same room even if you're upset with your husband"

What I don't understand is, why one sees rainbows and butterflies while being in a relationship and have a totally different way of living after marriage. I agree that life cant be a fairy tale; it includes sharing bills and responsibilities. What I see missing is the essence of marriage as society has changed our perspective in alot of ways and to make a marriage work, its best not to conform. 'The gifts and fake smiles and the dinners at relatives every night.'

The definition of love is respect and freedom.Until I dont find what I believe in, I choose to remain single. I dont need a man for my happiness but a partner who will have faith in me, who will believe in me, who would know that Im capable of doing things, and that I dont need to change my last name just because Im his wife.
Whats meant to be will happen but trust me this post isnt my utopia speaking.

The fairy tale love story

After being stuck with the wrong guy for three years,Moss has finally found the perfect guy and I'm really happy for her. Dan is an amazing guy and just to justify the title of this post I have a message to include that Dan sent Moss " I w t m b"
The sms was written exactly like this and this isnt their code or something but she immediately understood what it meant "I will try my best"
I <3 u moss

I log in with anticipation knowing I have something worth blogging in my head and then as soon as I begin to write my mind goes blank. I feel hollow, depressed,lonely, lost and confused. Hollow because I feel numb and horribly depressed, in a dull and lifeless way.The situation that cannot be explained and can never be understood. My mother once said "Somebody's pain is just a story for someone because they cant feel it but they can listen". Lonely because of a few reasons but that doesn't imply that I'm that freak without friends in her corner. One can have hundreds of friends and still be very lonely because 'the person' is missing. Confused because some situations aren't making much sense. The depressed and confused situation are the most influential ones these days.

Im trying really hard to pull myself together and write more but its not happening.

I will write soon.

I still havent found what Im looking for =/

I know Im missing something big in my life because I feel incomplete.Very incomplete.

To be continued....

Where's the mentor and where's the passion?

Today I sat in my seminar class and it was that moment when I wanted to blog really badly.

My soul is dead,
When I thought,
Art could bring it back to life,
It was commercial,
The journey to self discovery got lost.

It is as important as science,
As they often coincide,
Where's the passion,wheres my soul?
Wheres my mentor,
I dont know.

Please wake me up,
And show me the light,
Right now,
Im living a life full of lies.
*I suck at poetry but really I had to express myself.

Inspiration: Mai ni mein (By Shah Hussain)

Mai ne main kinon aakhaan, Dard vichore da hall ni
O mother O mother, who do I tell, this pain of separation

Dhuan dhukhay mairay murshid wala, Jaan phoulaan taan laal ni
My Maste’rs fire smoulders, if I poke, its red hot

Soolan mar dewani keeti, Birhoun peya saday khayali
Driven mad with spikes,Pain of separation fills my thoughts

Dukhan di roti, Soolaan da saalan, Aahen da baalan baal
Bread of sadness, sauce of spikes, make a fire of laments

Jungle bailay phiraan dhoudaindi ajay na paayo lal
wandered jungles and deserts but not found the ruby

Ranjhan Ranjhan phiraan dhoudaindi, Ranjhan mairay nalwander
looking for Ranjhan Ranjhan, But Ranjhan is with me

Kahay Hussain faqeer nimanaa, Shoh milay taan theevan nihaal
Says Hussain the poor faqeer, Meeting God would be ecstasy


Ive been listening to this kalaam without knowing its importance since a long time and thanks to my father who introduced me to it. He used to play the cassette often. Its in hype because Atif sang it recently.Well, no doubt he did a good job in the Coke Studio session. I was mesmerised.

The different shades of us

We all have and go through different phases, stages and patches. But they all lead to further self discovery. Maybe at times we are confused who we are but life is a continous struggle to unleash who we are.

Oh really :D

Now there was a freind of mine now in the states who thought I looked like Beyonce. I mean you dont get compliments like these everyday thats why it had to make it till here so I'll always remember.

I think even if he saw me today,he'd still insist ;)