Im growing up and im not ready.

Once youre in college things begin to change.Well, every phase of life means growth but it keeps on getting scarier as it goes on.Things that you least expect will happen, you will fall in love, will learn to be a professional,learn what you knew not but in the process will party, sing songs and love your friends.

I, however do not know what I want from my life. The unpredictabilities and uncertainities that the future holds for us leaves us with nothing but to rely on it. Thats the only choice we have. People say I have a very pessimist way of looking at things but these are the ultimate realities like say life goes on and then eventually we die. What happens in between this is like white noise. It is important, makes us who we are but then we forget about it as soon as it becomes the past. Thats why we have phases, patches- good patch, bad patch.

I have a new passion. Photography. Iam happy i stuck to graphic design as my major. Sometimes you have to rely on time as your most important tool. No decision comes with a guarantee but you need to be honest at all times.

Thats the beauty of it.

2010.WHOAAA

I must say in my defense, to many of attributes, paranoia is one.
Paranoid about everything. My friends say I worry too much.

My second semseter result got dispatched yesterday, and will get delivered tomorrow. I cant believe it my university still runs on this, however this doesnot imply its a sucky university. 4th january my university opens. Start of Sophomore.

Newly developed habits,short temper.
Things I had thought I wouldnt do or would never be, iam becoming and doing those things. But honestly its all apart of growing up and it seriously sucks big time. But they say "you become what you despise"
Staying in touch with old friends, dealing with unloyal friends, working professionally with good friends, dealing with plastics,the society, the culture,hormones,love,failure,pressures,security,dilemmas,blasts,paranoia.....phew.

What does a broken heart do?

I have a married friend, who at certain events makes me doubtful about our friendship. Who is a friend? Someone who knows you deeply, doesnt whine about you not staying in touch because the friend knows youre at an art school and the first year isnt easy. Well, recently she calls me up and suggests a full life plan for me which includes a life partner. "Hey you remember A from my wedding?" (oh yeah that wierd guy who wouldnt stop staring?!) He's looking for a girl (AGAIN? oh yeah he got divorced. no wonder this conversation sounds familiar. You've tried to set me up with him gazillions of times, and everytime you suggest that you disappear, not that Iam interested myself)
"You guys are perfect for eachother.Hes an amazing person and since 'youre my best friend' and hes my husbands bestfriend we could be soo together. Like meet up all the time.
UH-are you for real? We're not in grade five. BFFS forever and where is this delusion coming from? You are my friend who got married to a super rich industrialist even though you had a boyfriend but you chose to conform and obey to what youre less richer industrialist father wanted. Even though you have your fake days i dont know how you pretend to be forgetful about all those times when you've complained about the adversities of marriage and how you were better off without him.

Thats the dilemma of our culture. Or maybe to put it more neatly the lifestyle of the rich and the famous that have created this wierd culture. Have a painful extravagant wedding and a function for every move. The proposal got accepte- throw up a big party and wear the prettiest dress from an expensive designer and invite all your friends and show off how rich you are. Then obviously comes the engagement which is no less than a wedding. Oh how could you forget two separate mehndi, one from both parties and the slutty dances that follow. Then the Nikkah ceremony. Then comes the 'wedding' which is just a rukhsati and then its time for the guys family to show off at the Valima. Theres a Rs.3.5 million wedding, in a country where some people sleep empty stomach.

I believe the purpose of a marriage is to feel the whole process of becoming one when you say i do(qabool hai). It could be a simple Nikkah at a mosque and a dinner for close family and friends the other day as the Valima. How about spend money on settling up?

But theres another dilemma. Marriage seems to be over rated to me. Also because of my horrible love life experiences. always after the wrong guy. And trust me getting off all this isnt easy. A heart full of emotions and female hormones are difficult to handle.

So talking of my recent crush. He's a photographer. Senior in college. Not the hottest guy around but the biggest flirt. How charming is that? You get flirtatious(if thats a word) replies from someone youre head over heels. I dont know how he does it. Iam too naive. Agreed. But he does mean things he says like you are a really nice person. Its like his way of telling me im trouble stay away from me, unless you love breaking your heart. So one day he gives me full attention and the other he realises he has to ignore me. Like even delete his facebook status which has my comment and the only one. Now what does that even mean. Not pick up my call. Now that does make me sound desperate but not to forget he is my friend and trust me the flirting is unilateral.


I just hope and pray for my benefit and sanity.

This December

I was just going through old posts that I never published and found this "Meredith's gone back.It was alot of fun with her and i cried like a baby before the day she left. It started off with a tantrum which was a joke and then I hugged her and broke down.
Life is pretty blah right now.I feel dead. Literally. Crying doesnt happen easily.I think it would have been better if I could. A the Bee saved my life yesterday by talking to me for 3 hours, I think"

Time. It has passed.
Its the beginning of Sophomore for me.
Im making the same mistake again.
Soon I shall introduce a new character to the story.
Merediths back. A the Bee is history. Now its A the K

Where have I been?

An interesting question but sadly there is no exciting answer for that.

Well I have been away for a good three months because I realised that blogging was nothing more than complaining and criticising myself. Initially I had thought that my blog is just for me but im sure I have readers wo do think I rant most of the times.

This time, when I come back I want to be able to write about the evolution of my thoughts and yeah work on my sense of humour. Its too dry a blog to catch up on otherwise.

Catch you soon.
Theres lots to do.

I cant run anymore

Do you know the feeling when you are running after or away from something and your legs really hurt because you have to run even if you cant. You keep on running till you cant feel your legs and then you suddenly fall down because they gave up.

I feel like that. Cheers to a life full of blah-ness.

Everytime I fall, it hurts.

Every time I fall,trip or slip I'm one of those who laugh a little or maybe more because its funny but when I fall for someone it just hurts like a bitch because I end up falling for the wrong person. Literally its the same every time but a normal person has to end up falling for some one, I mean if I did not then that would be fishy. There are time when I think Alpash was one of the best guys I had ever met but some irrational decisions have to be lived with forever, and I must add, with lots and lots of regret. So for now, there's falling and getting hurt. Getting up and getting over. And falling again and getting up all by myself all over again. Sigh.